“I've been hurt before” “I've been burned by an ex” “i got my heart broken” those are all bullshit excuses people use to dodge monogamy. I say “people” both men AND women use this. In my situation with “Billy”, his exact words were “ i dated someone a few weeks before I met you and it got exclusive pretty fast. I got totally burnt on that one so it sort of creeps me out right now.”.....HOW THE FUCK IS THAT MY PROBLEM?!? Don't make your baggage my fuckin problem. You knew exactly what i was looking for AT. THE. BEGINNING. If you're not ready, don't waste my time and go find a girl to fuck casually. Its LA there are PLENTY of women who would love to fuck with no strings attached. So by “Billy” telling me this information what the hell did he expect me to do with this? I'm in my 30’s him in 40’s I can't change him! I'm not that 20-something woman who has this stupid preconceived notion that “maybe I can change him”. As Carrie Bradshaw once questioned “Has monogamy become too much to expect?” He gave me his baggage, and I'm expected to what? conform, alter my wants and needs so he can avoid monogamy? NOT TODAY! If you're not ready to be in a relationship, please don't try and date someone who is.
California’s water drought is very similar to my sex life, I have some good years with plenty of sex, then I can go a whole year or longer without sex. 2018 a drought year, no sex whatsoever, I don't even remember going on any dates last year. The last time I had sex was with “Billy” (from my other post)was approximately 2 weeks ago. Prior to meeting “Billy” the last time i had sex was 2017. That year there was plenty of rain on my end. July 7th 2017 with “Zeke”...(don't ask how I remember the date). Four months Prior to “Zeke” was with “Jaime”, and lots of cunnilingus with “cerpin” who wasn't able maintain an erection because he couldn't have sex with a condom.
2014, 2015, and 2016 were very dry years! I didn't have sex because of lack of trying on my end, I went on a few dates, kissed a few frogs, and It still did not happen. There was a boyfriend that I had for about 2 years which ended in 2013, by him ghosting me, that might of played a crucial role in my 3 year drought. He was extremely hard to get over, I specifically remember crying on a date shortly after my ex vanished (so embarrassing). Clearly, I wasn't ready to move on, but by the time I was, sex just wasn't in the cards for me.
My problem is….well problem(s) are that I need to have casual sex. The problem with that is my overanalyzing won’t allow me to have casual sex. BUT the idea of casual sex automatically springs multiple questions in my head: Would if he has an STD? Do I go to his house? He’s not comin to mine! Would if he didn't shower? Would if his room is dirty? Does he have a condom? Can i even get turned on by a stranger? Mostly irrelevant questions. Casual sex or one night stands are about living in the moment, having no expectations. Sounds liberating! Perhaps one day i can find someone who is worth me throwing my inhibitions out the window In the meantime I have my faithful vibrator to get me through the drough.
Literally on my OKcupid it says “Don't waste my time”.
I am clear as day as to what I'm looking, and yet I'm still a magnet for trash men. Which brings me to a guy who I've been (or was) dating for a few months, "Billy" a 43 year old software designer I met on OKcupid. Usually before giving a man my number I go through a list of questions: what is it that you are looking for? Are you dating anyone? Are you currently in a relationship? (sad but true).
If a man answers to MY standards, then I am more inclined to exchange numbers. If it’s not what I like, I always say “ok well Im not what you are looking for I hope you find what you are looking for” or “Im not on your level I hope you find someone who is”. So, me and “Billy” had a connection right away. We were texting each other all day, did the whole “good morning good night” text (women love that shit), had so much in common and said all the right things. On our first date we went to The Federal, a former bank building with high ceilings & chandeliers in Downtown Long Beach. Our date definitely could have went better for me. I broke 2 of my cardinal rules: no sex on the first date, and no bringing men that I hardly know to my house. The next day I woke up in total regret, I had drank entirely too much the previous night, and expected him to ghost me and tbh I wouldn’t have blamed him. But no, we were still into one another we in fact went on 4 or 5 more dates over the course of a month or so. On a Saturday evening I began to wonder if we were on the same page, he really likes me and I felt the same, but I knew that although 2 people can like each other they can also be on separate pages or books, or even libraries! Unlike women, when you mention anything remotely close to exclusivity to men it’s such a touchy topic for them and they avoid it like the plague. It seemed like almost an hour trying to tread lightly and find the right words to text. I went with “ Am i the only person you are dating?” simple and to the point. His response long and full of shit. “I have/ had a few FWB mostly x’s that didn't work out, i haven't seen em in a while. There was one person i went out a while back with and they are talking to me now again though they’re too intense for me. I look on OKC once in a while. Mostly keep busy with projects.” I was completely thrown back by this response. I began to question my OKC profile:Did my page show that i was looking for a relationship, looking for something serious? YES! It does!
I genuinely had a “Fuck you” moment. Now i have to add “do you have friends with benefits?” to the list of questions i ask before i give anyone my number! There were so many questions I had, the main question that popped in my head more than once was WHAT ARE WE DOING? I understand a man with a “busy” schedule HELL, i have one too but you're too busy to be exclusive YET you have time for FWB and dating more than one woman??! I. CALL. BULLSHIT. So I'm expected to be put on the back burner for not only your job (i understand that) but your serial dating habits? Is that the new dating scene? Us as women who want exclusivity are expected to be ok with his wants and needs and put ours on hold? I did this all in my 20’s and 30-something me are all out of fucks.
It seems like when I was in grade school I had everything figured out for my future. I had a career in mind, purchase my first condo by 25 and live it up like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex in the City. Well, as a millenial i can attest that in the digital age dating fucking sucks. I will say that there are a few scenarios in real life that are very similar to Sex in the City, in fact i can relate to Sex and the City now in my thirties than 15 years ago. Typically dating intels : meet a great guy, you go on a few dates, you guys have amazing sex then, HE GHOSTS you (vanishes).This has happened to me literally more times than I can could count.
I know I was naive in my twenties, and took everyones word at face value. Maybe its because im from a small town and didnt have "big city" thick skin, but I use to find myself genuinely being hurt and haunted by men who I thought were perfect who Ghosted me.In 2019 if you want to find people to date you use online dating sites, and just like 2010, ghosting still occurs. I, myself have used Plenty of Fish, OKcupid, and Coffee Meets Bagel. I've observed that dating online is similar to fishing with a shitty hook. You cast your line, catch a good lookin fish and just when you think you can reel him in to take him home, he slips away and you're left thinking that you don't know what the hell you're doing or second guessing yourself. You have so many questions, and sometimes you feel pissed cause that fish had so much potential. So you try again maybe even attempt to change it up and use bait this time cast your line once more.
Although I still get ghosted, unlike twentysomething-Lisa thirtysomething-Lisa has thicker skin. I no longer second guess myself. I have come to a realization that no matter how great our dates were, no matter how fantastic our conversations were, and no matter how great the sex is, it’s not me. OR maybe it is me, maybe it's not BUT seeing how they ghosted me, I'm not a mind reader I hold no blame in our short-lived relationship.