Attention insecure married women or women in relationships! I’m so sorry. I’m sorry your man has made you feel like every single woman is a threat! I’m sorry on behalf of single women that some women don't care that men are in marriages and in committed relationships, they do not speak for all of us. I’m sorry that another woman’s clothing choices has your man staring at her. I’m sorry that you project your unstable relationship onto other women. Most of all, i’m sorry that you are with a horrible person, you deserve better girl!
With that being said, it is not my fault that you are insecure. It is not my fault that you assume all single women are threats. It's not my fault that some women don't value marriages or relationships. It's not my fault that your man stares at my ass or breasts in a sexy dress, I did not wear this for him. AND it's not my fault that you probably deserve better so don't project your insecurities on me!
I discovered that my sisters friend Janet is one of these insecure women. At a birthday dinner I discovered Miguel (Janet’s husband) is a flirty person. The only reason I never noticed the flirting in the past was because there was never a one-on-one interaction. At this dinner every single time he would try and hold a conversation with me, Janet would literally drop whatever it was she was doing at the time to include herself in our discussions, OR if she was in an active conversation herself she would pretend she wasn't trying to eavesdrop. This went on all night, and began to make me uncomfortable. I started to dodge him, and I was counting down the minutes till this night was over! Because of her insecurity I couldn't enjoy my night. Our conversations were not memorable and the least bit inappropriate but I could see it all night she was trying to “figure me out”. I'm not part of my sister’s friend circle, and there are other friends in her circle who are single but I honestly think she has them “figured out” and therefore deemed non-threatening.
I think subconsciously I have always felt the tinge of judgement coincided with the judgemental stares that insecure non-single women gave me. You know that “bitch he’s MY MAN” stare. Their stares are always met with my “girl! NO ONE WANTS YOUR MAN” glare. If you are the lucky women who has an amazing significant other that makes you feel loved and secure, kudos girl! You deserve it! If you are one of the insecure women described above, or feel upset by these words, then it's time to reevaluate your situation, stop living your life always at war with other women, and please stop trying to “figure us out” it's gotta be exhausting! Newsflash to all of the insecure women stuck in marriages and in committed relationships, I’m sorry that you are going through your situation but as Jordyn Woods once said “I don't need your situation.”
8 years ago I was hired as Assistant Manager at Sunglass Hut, and on my first day of work one of my associates Melissa and my Direct Manager was asking me questions about myself. One of the questions that popped up was, “do you have a boyfriend?” I said “nope I'm single” and her response was “Omg that totally sucks for you” and they both presumed to laugh. I have never felt so shitty, about being single in my life. I thought “This isn't 1824 where being single at 26 meant I was gonna be a spinster!” Up to that point, I wore my “single ladies” status like a badge of honor, I had just got out of a relationship with my childs father and was starting to fall in love with ME all over again. Who the fuck is this 19 year old child to laugh at me or to joke at my relationship status!? For the first time in my 26 years of life it was at that moment I felt ashamed of being single. Not wanting to lose my job on the first day by screaming “FUCK YOU” in the middle of Del Amo mall, my response was simply “hmm not really” and I forced out a half hearted chuckle. She of course was joking, but for whatever reason, 8 long years later it stuck with me, the feeling fading over the years of course, but subconsciously, a small part of me feels as though I'm being judged for being single.
I always wondered if people in relationships pity those who are not in romantic relationships...My own sister who has been with her beau for 10 years, has told me she doesn’t miss being single when I tell her my dating horrors. Personally I feel as though the older I get the more at peace I become with the ideal of being single. YES I would love to have a companion to grow old with, but whatever's meant to be will be. I'm unsure if it has to do with the fact that i'm a mother and my baby will always be top priority, or its because i’m in my thirties and a bit more wiser or because the good quality of men are slim pickings in L.A. HELL, maybe all of the above! I've learned that once I was at peace with me being single, I now know what type of Man I want to be with. Take pity on me cause and won't settle for less.
Did i miss the memo where cosmetic surgery became the new standard? Did I also miss the memo where natural beauty is outdated? HOW the Hell is the “dad bod” in style but not “mom bod” I mean WE BEAR CHILDREN!! Every time I open my Instagram or some magazine I see disproportionately shaped women! I completely understand the women who are curvy naturally, I'm not even opposed to cosmetic surgery, whatever makes you happy! BUT why is it that we live in a culture with impossible standards of beauty? Is this what our kids are looking up to and idolizing now? The “Kim Kardashians” and “Kylie Jenners” of the world? My eleven year old Daughter is already looking in the mirror asking me if I think her butt will get bigger. Of course I always reassure her that she has a body like an eleven year old child. So let me get this straight, huge breasts, teeny tiny waist, abnormally large ass, huge lips, small nose, and botox injected face is what I'M supposed to aspire to look like? What happen to just aspiring to be skinny or in shape? NOW we have all of that? NO WAY! Luckily, I tell my daughter that most of what she sees on television isn't real and that normal people don't look like that, normal people look like the people you see in the real world everyday. What are these women supposed to look like at seventy-four years old with all that extra surgery? I think about that when I see celebrities like Cardi B, Nicki Minaj, all of the Kardashians Iggy Azalea, and now Madonna. I suppose like everything else in the entertainment business this fad will also end soon. The only cosmetic surgery I would consider getting is Breast augmentation cause gravity and age is winning this battle, I have no desire to look unrealistic.
How many deal breakers do you have? Personally I have about 17, no particular order but some of them can be overlooked if the deeming qualities outweigh the bad. “Hard deal breakers” and “soft deal breakers” For instance, Long hair on a man is a "soft deal breaker" for me, let's face it, Jason Momoa is a fine ass man and he looks better with long hair. Those deal breakers that I have, are what keeps me on the right track to my potential boyfriend. The man I dated “Jesus Tim” for instance had several deal breakers I chose to ignore because I wanted it to work and we didn't last, the bad outweighed the good and I was in denial. He saw masterbation as cheating, he wanted me to give up my male best friend, he was crazy religious when it was convenient for him (all Hard deal breakers), the moment I reached my breaking point everything about him turned rotten and I couldn't fall for his bullshit anymore. If I had just stuck to my deal breakers we wouldn't have wasted each others time. But would if there is a hard deal breaker and but have great qualities? Well Benjamin was a chain smoker (hard deal breaker) and would disappear for days at a time and then blamed it on work (also hard deal breaker). The only reason I chose to ignore my hard deal breakers was because I thought just maybe I was being picky or choosy and the “hard deal breaker” is why we did not work out. But maybe some relationships that fail are the relationships who fail to acknowledge the “Hard deal breakers” at the beginning, well i know that’s the case for me. Lesson learned cause I refuse to look past my “hard deal breakers” again.
During my 10 minutes of mindless facebook browsing i stumbled on an old picture of mine and came up on an ex who commented. Which I found myself stalking Benjamin’s facebook page this morning out of sheer boredom mixed with curiosity and it was a huge mistake. There wasn't a huge wave of anger and hurt, it was more like a spark of hurt and anger. In fact, as soon as i got off his page reality set in and i was back to semi-normal. He ghosted me 5 or 6 years ago after being together 2 years. I don't want Benjamin anymore but it got me thinking, do we really get over someone who hurt us? I don't want an explanation, i dont give a fuck if it was something I did wrong, I feel I am owed a fucking apology! An I'm sorry for ever leading you on to believe that I loved you, I'm sorry for pretending to care about you, I'm sorry that I'm an middle aged overweight piece of shit and felt I actually deserved you, I'm sorry for pretending to be a nice guy, i'm sorry I wasn't man enough and last but not least I'm sorry for ghosting you without telling you why! It feels like unfinished business. I was an amazing girlfriend and I'm sticking to it! (if you don't tell me what i did wrong then i was pretty fuckin great).
I had a brief six month relationship with Timothy... well me and friends called him “Jesus Tim”. When I think about Timothy I get the urge to scream “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” out of frustration. Timothy was a religious fanatic, know it all, who passed so much judgement on literally everything, and who was dumb as rocks. I have no issue with religious people but Tim called himself an apostle and wanted me to be the first lady of his church...I told him i'm not religious from the beginning, AND told him I will never commit to going to church EVERY fuckin sunday he chose to still be with me. There was a point in our relationship that I could not stand to listen to his voice and wondered why I even still tolerated him, and really i just wanted to fuck him if i'm being honest. He didn't want to have sex with a condom, he didn't want me to be on birth control, he wanted me to get pregnant and bare him a son, and felt I was cheating just mentioning masterbation. Hence, we never had sex. I entertained him briefly until he was against me having a GAY male best friend and he gave me an ultimatum. Of course I chose my best friend and “Jesus Tim” was no more. Our relationship was doomed from the start he loved the lord as much as i loved to use the lord's name in vain. Every so often I will still get an “i miss you” text which stirs up those “shut the fuck up” feelings i roll my eyes throw my head back and say OH GOD WHAT DO YOU WAAANNNTT!?? and the text gets ignored. Luckily the small tinge of emotions that I have for my exes comes as fast as they go away.
I am a firm believer that some people are just better left as friends….. Maybe i'm using “friends” loosely... maybe some people are just better apart. My daughters dad for instance, i don't even what i saw in him romantically! Occasionally a friend or coworker will ask me, “Do you miss your ex?” Or “ever wish you guys were still together?” My answer is the same every single time FUCK NO. Not just a normal FUCK NO but a dramatic FUUUUCK NAAHHHH as im shaking my head. I'm not saying he’s a horrible person, in fact he’s funny, the right amount of nerd and he’s a great father. He was just a shitty ass boyfriend that made me feel like I was never good enough. He gave me an amazing kid and a friend in his wife that’s a hell of a lot more i can say for my past fuck boyfriends. Friends will also ask occasionally “do you think he’s faithful to her?” i can honestly say that never crosses my mind and so my proud response is “ That’s none of my business!” or “he is no longer my problem so i no longer give any fucks!”.
Then i have “Zemora” I have known him since 9th or 10th grade and he was just that cute cool kid I occasionally hung out with in school or at lunch. We lost touch after his disappearance before graduation. We got in touch about 7 years ago on facebook and began a romantic correspondence via cell phone. One thing led to another and I hopped my ass on a plane to North Carolina to visit him. After the sex, things were just...different. I'm not sure if it was because the sex was trash or because we were both just lonely and did not fill that void with one another or he was just mentally unstable (later found out that's what it was). Needless to say, I spent another 4 miserable days in North Carolina and was mentally exhausted by the time i left for the airport. “Zemora” and I have kept in touch and go over the last few years until last December i reached out to him after a concerning Instagram post. He wanted to rekindle a flame that is buried under 2 miles of arctic ice and I wanted nothing to do with him romantically. He finally caught on to my no so subtle rejections and realized we are just better as friends.
Finally there's Michael. I am no longer friends with Michael, but I made the stupid mistake of dating him at 19, realizing we are better as friends, THEN attempted to date again at 24. Michael and I are no longer friends because he lied about having a girlfriend. I wish to see him one day and rekindle our friendship he was a great friend and I miss that most about him. I believe people come and go out of your life for a reason, just because 2 people aren’t meant to be together doesn't mean they aren't meant to become friends.
I have heard it all, from “ wow, very mature of you” to “ I could never do that” I have also heard so many horror stories when it comes baby mama or baby daddy drama. A friend of mine Marley is dealing with her own horror show with her ex’s new wife treating her daughter Mia like she's an inconvenience. Mia comes home with all kinds of stories about her new stepmom saying bad things about her Mom. Hats off to her and the people like her who can handle it because I personally I could not. I love that not only do I get along with my daughter’s father, but I'm friends with his wife. I am aware of how extremely rare my situation is, I hear it every time I tell someone my story with my ex, but I am grateful. It definitely wasn't easy at the start, in fact, it was a nightmare. I and my child’s father had been apart for a few years before him and his wife married. I wasn't open to the initial change at the beginning, I didn't like the idea of different women in and out of my kid's life, and if we’re being honest I wasn't ready for him to move on that meant there was no chance of us getting back together. It wasn't until I fell in love with someone else to see how stupid I was being. I took a step back to look at the just reasons why I didn't like her and realized it was mostly me. Not to mention the extra drama was downright exhausting. My ex is no easy task, but for my daughter's sake, I needed to be the bigger person. So I let go of my personal issues and got to know his future wife, and discovered we had more in common than not. It had occurred to me, she wasn't a bad person. My intentions at first were to just be cordial but over the years we both grew. The fact that we actually all get along gives me peace of mind and we are able to raise our daughter together in 2 separate households.
I distinctly remember going to my nieces 3rd birthday party at John’s Incredible Pizza with my then-boyfriend when I realized the magnitude of our situation. My ex, his new wife, and her daughter were also invited to the party. My brother-in-law’s mother was in complete dismay when she saw how well we all got along. She was very confused and her words were “ I couldn't do that, I would have been fighting everybody”. I found that statement odd. To me it was simple, me and his wife getting along is convenient for all parties involved. Over the years I and his wife's relationship has evolved, in fact, we go out on weekends, hang out at the pool, occasionally I will babysit her daughter, and we even live in the same neighborhood. I am not saying that I and my ex never have disagreements anymore, but all I'm saying is that the occasional disagreements all pertain to our daughter about such things as soccer or softball schedules, and homework. There are weekends where I need favors and need to trade weekends for unforeseen issues and it is extremely helpful to be on their good side.
Getting along with my daughter’s stepmother is mainly beneficial for my daughter it’s just an added bonus for me. If I am the woman my daughter will grow up to be, I want her to view me as a responsible mature adult who is willing to put my issues aside to be a great mother. As she gets older I never want her to feel as though she has to choose aside. With the adults in her life being non problematic, she sees us as a united front.
If I am forced to share custody with my ex and his wife, I am trusting that she will take care of my child as if she were her own. She is my daughter's mother away from her mother. I would rather have an open dialog of communication than to have any animosity or ill feelings with her. Life is already hectic why add more drama to the mix? There are a few things we can't control I believe we can control the drama that enters our lives. When it comes to ex-boyfriends I can honestly say that I could die happy without hearing or seeing them again. But for the ex that I am forced to deal with, I put my baby first, and put my big girl panties on. Now looking back on my childish actions, and remembering the stress I felt if my daughter’s well being, I definitely don't miss those feelings and I love that I can rest easy knowing my daughter is in friends care.
I always get asked from men i give my number to: what type of man are you usually into. Of course i give them some generic answer like “someone who’s down to earth, someone i can be myself around. Although, that's true I never give them the full breakdown. For me my ideal companion would be: