I can't even think about past relationships without remembering my ex, Russell the Infant. He was a colorful character with plenty of great qualities too. Great looking, clinically clean, chef-boy-are-you-serious skills in the kitchen. But with great skill came mad entitlements and when this gentleman didn't get his way….
Can’t have a future without acknowledging your past. So because of my past issues with sexual abuse, I became robotic when intimate. Sex had not been pleasing for me…. So when I became intimate with Russell, I located my autopilot button. He tried pleasing me but he didn't listen to my needs. His impatience appeared at the time which discouraged me from truly opening up.
But once I started putting stock into my own worth, things got better for me but worse with Russell. I had also started working shift work and began to cancel on him often. I didn't have the time for Russell anymore, but I didn't want to let him down. Some cancellations came with some verbal abuse involving name-calling and threatening of infidelity on his part. I rarely responded because I feared it would provide fuel to the fire. At times I was afraid to voice my concerns about anything with him. I even drank the Kool Aid enough to believe he was justified and wanted to be with me so bad it made him crazy….
So when he said sorry, I also said sorry too and forgave him. I thought by forgiving him, I was teaching him a lesson. I was wrong. He continued this behavior as long as I allowed him to. So unless he was an infant, I wasn't changing him.
35 year old single artist in the city experiencing her ups and downs in dating. Megan is a passionate Writer and entrepreneur that charts her own path, leads her life driving the course of history.
These fuckboys or now known as city boys are truly masters of disguises. They appear to have good intentions and appear sweet, they put on the “great catch” costume and lead us down what seems like a great path but at some point in the relationship, things always turn sour. Then we are stuck blaming and asking ourselves “why didn't I see I was dating an undercover fuckboy? These types of people are the reasons why our defenses are strengthened after every failed relationship. Fuckboys are the reasons why we drag so much baggage to new potential relationships. Although there are different types of fuckboys they all have one thing in common, non-commitment.
I'm currently in contact (not dating anymore) with a current undercover fuckboy and he will deny it but all signs point to fuckboy-land.
Most of us actually have an idea what we want out of a relationship, whether we convey them into words or not, we still have an idea. I am one of those women who conveys my intentions at the very beginning of a relationship with any man I meet. When I asked my current fuckboy (then undercover) what he was looking for in the beginning he said: “Ideally I’d like to find someone to be in a relationship with”. We talked and text all day every day. A few months of going on multiple dates, have some great laughs and enjoyed being around one another. I started to gain the confidence to ask that question that tends to send them running for the hills. At that point, we were seeing each other often. So I asked “are you dating other people besides me” simple and to the point. Which brings me to the first undercover fuckboy sign:
Go With Your Gut
His response did not sit well with me “I have/ had a few Friends With Benefits mostly ex’s that didn't work out, I haven't seen em in a while. There was one person I went out a while back and they are talking to me now again though they’re too intense for me. I look on OkCupid once in a while”. The fact that this didn't sit well with me is because my gut feeling was telling me that this wasn't right. When we started dating he was not talking or dating anyone, NOW after 2 months, he has fuck buddies and ex’s he's talking to? As a thirty-four-year-old, one thing I am confident in, is that your gut feeling is never wrong. But of course, I continued to ride the undercover fuckboy train because the lies tasted better than the truth.
After over-analyzing our last discussion, I worked up the courage to confront him and break things off. At the end of our date, as I am getting out of the car I told him “ I don't think this is working out, you’re dating and fucking other women. I want a relationship and I think we are wasting each other's time”. He came at me with the second sign to fuckboy land:
You Start to feel Crazy
Of course, his response made me change my mind: “ I don’t think you are a waste of time, I enjoy our time together and I really like you. I don't want you to feel as though I am using you and I don't want to hurt you. I think you misunderstood me. '' At that point, I started to feel like maybe I overreacted a bit. I began to question my sanity, so I ignored my gut and told myself he was different. We once upon a time had such a strong connection.
After our last date I did not hear from him for about a week. When I text him asking him why I have not heard from him it was clear as day that he was on the right train to fuckboy land.
He responds after a week later from my initial “why haven't I heard from you?” text message. He comes back with: “hey sorry I just don't feel like talking, trying to figure stuff out. I don't have time to date, I've been strange lately. I just kinda want to do things simply. Not just with you.” My response was simple: “K”. I knew the classic symptoms of being “ghosted”. He started to distance himself and only texted me twice after a couple of weeks after midnight.
After long weeks of nothing except the two midnight texts consisting of “hi” or “how are you?”, he decided to text me when the sun was out asking me if I had some free time that week. That communication proved he went full on fuckboy.
The “good boy” disguise is off
He texted me: “are you free this week? I'm ready for you.”. For clarification purposes I indulged him with “ready for what? To date me?”. He responded with “Hmmm like right now ;)”. I knew exactly what that meant. He wasn't attempting to disguise his intentions with lies, he knew I had liked him once upon a time and also knew what I wanted out of a relationship and he still chose to only contact me for sexual purposes.
Dictionary.com defines a fuck boy: ‘A fuckboy is that guy, the one who doesn’t respect women, but relies on them heavily. He’s distant, doesn’t care about other people’s time, and won’t commit. He’s self-absorbed, does stupid things, and fucks with others’ emotions’. If you're with someone that has any of these symptoms, then sweetie, you're dating an undercover fuckboy.