How many deal breakers do you have? Personally I have about 17, no particular order but some of them can be overlooked if the deeming qualities outweigh the bad. “Hard deal breakers” and “soft deal breakers” For instance, Long hair on a man is a "soft deal breaker" for me, let's face it, Jason Momoa is a fine ass man and he looks better with long hair. Those deal breakers that I have, are what keeps me on the right track to my potential boyfriend. The man I dated “Jesus Tim” for instance had several deal breakers I chose to ignore because I wanted it to work and we didn't last, the bad outweighed the good and I was in denial. He saw masterbation as cheating, he wanted me to give up my male best friend, he was crazy religious when it was convenient for him (all Hard deal breakers), the moment I reached my breaking point everything about him turned rotten and I couldn't fall for his bullshit anymore. If I had just stuck to my deal breakers we wouldn't have wasted each others time. But would if there is a hard deal breaker and but have great qualities? Well Benjamin was a chain smoker (hard deal breaker) and would disappear for days at a time and then blamed it on work (also hard deal breaker). The only reason I chose to ignore my hard deal breakers was because I thought just maybe I was being picky or choosy and the “hard deal breaker” is why we did not work out. But maybe some relationships that fail are the relationships who fail to acknowledge the “Hard deal breakers” at the beginning, well i know that’s the case for me. Lesson learned cause I refuse to look past my “hard deal breakers” again.
During my 10 minutes of mindless facebook browsing i stumbled on an old picture of mine and came up on an ex who commented. Which I found myself stalking Benjamin’s facebook page this morning out of sheer boredom mixed with curiosity and it was a huge mistake. There wasn't a huge wave of anger and hurt, it was more like a spark of hurt and anger. In fact, as soon as i got off his page reality set in and i was back to semi-normal. He ghosted me 5 or 6 years ago after being together 2 years. I don't want Benjamin anymore but it got me thinking, do we really get over someone who hurt us? I don't want an explanation, i dont give a fuck if it was something I did wrong, I feel I am owed a fucking apology! An I'm sorry for ever leading you on to believe that I loved you, I'm sorry for pretending to care about you, I'm sorry that I'm an middle aged overweight piece of shit and felt I actually deserved you, I'm sorry for pretending to be a nice guy, i'm sorry I wasn't man enough and last but not least I'm sorry for ghosting you without telling you why! It feels like unfinished business. I was an amazing girlfriend and I'm sticking to it! (if you don't tell me what i did wrong then i was pretty fuckin great).
I had a brief six month relationship with Timothy... well me and friends called him “Jesus Tim”. When I think about Timothy I get the urge to scream “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” out of frustration. Timothy was a religious fanatic, know it all, who passed so much judgement on literally everything, and who was dumb as rocks. I have no issue with religious people but Tim called himself an apostle and wanted me to be the first lady of his church...I told him i'm not religious from the beginning, AND told him I will never commit to going to church EVERY fuckin sunday he chose to still be with me. There was a point in our relationship that I could not stand to listen to his voice and wondered why I even still tolerated him, and really i just wanted to fuck him if i'm being honest. He didn't want to have sex with a condom, he didn't want me to be on birth control, he wanted me to get pregnant and bare him a son, and felt I was cheating just mentioning masterbation. Hence, we never had sex. I entertained him briefly until he was against me having a GAY male best friend and he gave me an ultimatum. Of course I chose my best friend and “Jesus Tim” was no more. Our relationship was doomed from the start he loved the lord as much as i loved to use the lord's name in vain. Every so often I will still get an “i miss you” text which stirs up those “shut the fuck up” feelings i roll my eyes throw my head back and say OH GOD WHAT DO YOU WAAANNNTT!?? and the text gets ignored. Luckily the small tinge of emotions that I have for my exes comes as fast as they go away.
I am a firm believer that some people are just better left as friends….. Maybe i'm using “friends” loosely... maybe some people are just better apart. My daughters dad for instance, i don't even what i saw in him romantically! Occasionally a friend or coworker will ask me, “Do you miss your ex?” Or “ever wish you guys were still together?” My answer is the same every single time FUCK NO. Not just a normal FUCK NO but a dramatic FUUUUCK NAAHHHH as im shaking my head. I'm not saying he’s a horrible person, in fact he’s funny, the right amount of nerd and he’s a great father. He was just a shitty ass boyfriend that made me feel like I was never good enough. He gave me an amazing kid and a friend in his wife that’s a hell of a lot more i can say for my past fuck boyfriends. Friends will also ask occasionally “do you think he’s faithful to her?” i can honestly say that never crosses my mind and so my proud response is “ That’s none of my business!” or “he is no longer my problem so i no longer give any fucks!”.
Then i have “Zemora” I have known him since 9th or 10th grade and he was just that cute cool kid I occasionally hung out with in school or at lunch. We lost touch after his disappearance before graduation. We got in touch about 7 years ago on facebook and began a romantic correspondence via cell phone. One thing led to another and I hopped my ass on a plane to North Carolina to visit him. After the sex, things were just...different. I'm not sure if it was because the sex was trash or because we were both just lonely and did not fill that void with one another or he was just mentally unstable (later found out that's what it was). Needless to say, I spent another 4 miserable days in North Carolina and was mentally exhausted by the time i left for the airport. “Zemora” and I have kept in touch and go over the last few years until last December i reached out to him after a concerning Instagram post. He wanted to rekindle a flame that is buried under 2 miles of arctic ice and I wanted nothing to do with him romantically. He finally caught on to my no so subtle rejections and realized we are just better as friends.
Finally there's Michael. I am no longer friends with Michael, but I made the stupid mistake of dating him at 19, realizing we are better as friends, THEN attempted to date again at 24. Michael and I are no longer friends because he lied about having a girlfriend. I wish to see him one day and rekindle our friendship he was a great friend and I miss that most about him. I believe people come and go out of your life for a reason, just because 2 people aren’t meant to be together doesn't mean they aren't meant to become friends.
I have heard it all, from “ wow, very mature of you” to “ I could never do that” I have also heard so many horror stories when it comes baby mama or baby daddy drama. A friend of mine Marley is dealing with her own horror show with her ex’s new wife treating her daughter Mia like she's an inconvenience. Mia comes home with all kinds of stories about her new stepmom saying bad things about her Mom. Hats off to her and the people like her who can handle it because I personally I could not. I love that not only do I get along with my daughter’s father, but I'm friends with his wife. I am aware of how extremely rare my situation is, I hear it every time I tell someone my story with my ex, but I am grateful. It definitely wasn't easy at the start, in fact, it was a nightmare. I and my child’s father had been apart for a few years before him and his wife married. I wasn't open to the initial change at the beginning, I didn't like the idea of different women in and out of my kid's life, and if we’re being honest I wasn't ready for him to move on that meant there was no chance of us getting back together. It wasn't until I fell in love with someone else to see how stupid I was being. I took a step back to look at the just reasons why I didn't like her and realized it was mostly me. Not to mention the extra drama was downright exhausting. My ex is no easy task, but for my daughter's sake, I needed to be the bigger person. So I let go of my personal issues and got to know his future wife, and discovered we had more in common than not. It had occurred to me, she wasn't a bad person. My intentions at first were to just be cordial but over the years we both grew. The fact that we actually all get along gives me peace of mind and we are able to raise our daughter together in 2 separate households.
I distinctly remember going to my nieces 3rd birthday party at John’s Incredible Pizza with my then-boyfriend when I realized the magnitude of our situation. My ex, his new wife, and her daughter were also invited to the party. My brother-in-law’s mother was in complete dismay when she saw how well we all got along. She was very confused and her words were “ I couldn't do that, I would have been fighting everybody”. I found that statement odd. To me it was simple, me and his wife getting along is convenient for all parties involved. Over the years I and his wife's relationship has evolved, in fact, we go out on weekends, hang out at the pool, occasionally I will babysit her daughter, and we even live in the same neighborhood. I am not saying that I and my ex never have disagreements anymore, but all I'm saying is that the occasional disagreements all pertain to our daughter about such things as soccer or softball schedules, and homework. There are weekends where I need favors and need to trade weekends for unforeseen issues and it is extremely helpful to be on their good side.
Getting along with my daughter’s stepmother is mainly beneficial for my daughter it’s just an added bonus for me. If I am the woman my daughter will grow up to be, I want her to view me as a responsible mature adult who is willing to put my issues aside to be a great mother. As she gets older I never want her to feel as though she has to choose aside. With the adults in her life being non problematic, she sees us as a united front.
If I am forced to share custody with my ex and his wife, I am trusting that she will take care of my child as if she were her own. She is my daughter's mother away from her mother. I would rather have an open dialog of communication than to have any animosity or ill feelings with her. Life is already hectic why add more drama to the mix? There are a few things we can't control I believe we can control the drama that enters our lives. When it comes to ex-boyfriends I can honestly say that I could die happy without hearing or seeing them again. But for the ex that I am forced to deal with, I put my baby first, and put my big girl panties on. Now looking back on my childish actions, and remembering the stress I felt if my daughter’s well being, I definitely don't miss those feelings and I love that I can rest easy knowing my daughter is in friends care.
I always get asked from men i give my number to: what type of man are you usually into. Of course i give them some generic answer like “someone who’s down to earth, someone i can be myself around. Although, that's true I never give them the full breakdown. For me my ideal companion would be:
“I've been hurt before” “I've been burned by an ex” “i got my heart broken” those are all bullshit excuses people use to dodge monogamy. I say “people” both men AND women use this. In my situation with “Billy”, his exact words were “ i dated someone a few weeks before I met you and it got exclusive pretty fast. I got totally burnt on that one so it sort of creeps me out right now.”.....HOW THE FUCK IS THAT MY PROBLEM?!? Don't make your baggage my fuckin problem. You knew exactly what i was looking for AT. THE. BEGINNING. If you're not ready, don't waste my time and go find a girl to fuck casually. Its LA there are PLENTY of women who would love to fuck with no strings attached. So by “Billy” telling me this information what the hell did he expect me to do with this? I'm in my 30’s him in 40’s I can't change him! I'm not that 20-something woman who has this stupid preconceived notion that “maybe I can change him”. As Carrie Bradshaw once questioned “Has monogamy become too much to expect?” He gave me his baggage, and I'm expected to what? conform, alter my wants and needs so he can avoid monogamy? NOT TODAY! If you're not ready to be in a relationship, please don't try and date someone who is.
California’s water drought is very similar to my sex life, I have some good years with plenty of sex, then I can go a whole year or longer without sex. 2018 a drought year, no sex whatsoever, I don't even remember going on any dates last year. The last time I had sex was with “Billy” (from my other post)was approximately 2 weeks ago. Prior to meeting “Billy” the last time i had sex was 2017. That year there was plenty of rain on my end. July 7th 2017 with “Zeke”...(don't ask how I remember the date). Four months Prior to “Zeke” was with “Jaime”, and lots of cunnilingus with “cerpin” who wasn't able maintain an erection because he couldn't have sex with a condom.
2014, 2015, and 2016 were very dry years! I didn't have sex because of lack of trying on my end, I went on a few dates, kissed a few frogs, and It still did not happen. There was a boyfriend that I had for about 2 years which ended in 2013, by him ghosting me, that might of played a crucial role in my 3 year drought. He was extremely hard to get over, I specifically remember crying on a date shortly after my ex vanished (so embarrassing). Clearly, I wasn't ready to move on, but by the time I was, sex just wasn't in the cards for me.
My problem is….well problem(s) are that I need to have casual sex. The problem with that is my overanalyzing won’t allow me to have casual sex. BUT the idea of casual sex automatically springs multiple questions in my head: Would if he has an STD? Do I go to his house? He’s not comin to mine! Would if he didn't shower? Would if his room is dirty? Does he have a condom? Can i even get turned on by a stranger? Mostly irrelevant questions. Casual sex or one night stands are about living in the moment, having no expectations. Sounds liberating! Perhaps one day i can find someone who is worth me throwing my inhibitions out the window In the meantime I have my faithful vibrator to get me through the drough.
Literally on my OKcupid it says “Don't waste my time”.
I am clear as day as to what I'm looking, and yet I'm still a magnet for trash men. Which brings me to a guy who I've been (or was) dating for a few months, "Billy" a 43 year old software designer I met on OKcupid. Usually before giving a man my number I go through a list of questions: what is it that you are looking for? Are you dating anyone? Are you currently in a relationship? (sad but true).
If a man answers to MY standards, then I am more inclined to exchange numbers. If it’s not what I like, I always say “ok well Im not what you are looking for I hope you find what you are looking for” or “Im not on your level I hope you find someone who is”. So, me and “Billy” had a connection right away. We were texting each other all day, did the whole “good morning good night” text (women love that shit), had so much in common and said all the right things. On our first date we went to The Federal, a former bank building with high ceilings & chandeliers in Downtown Long Beach. Our date definitely could have went better for me. I broke 2 of my cardinal rules: no sex on the first date, and no bringing men that I hardly know to my house. The next day I woke up in total regret, I had drank entirely too much the previous night, and expected him to ghost me and tbh I wouldn’t have blamed him. But no, we were still into one another we in fact went on 4 or 5 more dates over the course of a month or so. On a Saturday evening I began to wonder if we were on the same page, he really likes me and I felt the same, but I knew that although 2 people can like each other they can also be on separate pages or books, or even libraries! Unlike women, when you mention anything remotely close to exclusivity to men it’s such a touchy topic for them and they avoid it like the plague. It seemed like almost an hour trying to tread lightly and find the right words to text. I went with “ Am i the only person you are dating?” simple and to the point. His response long and full of shit. “I have/ had a few FWB mostly x’s that didn't work out, i haven't seen em in a while. There was one person i went out a while back with and they are talking to me now again though they’re too intense for me. I look on OKC once in a while. Mostly keep busy with projects.” I was completely thrown back by this response. I began to question my OKC profile:Did my page show that i was looking for a relationship, looking for something serious? YES! It does!
I genuinely had a “Fuck you” moment. Now i have to add “do you have friends with benefits?” to the list of questions i ask before i give anyone my number! There were so many questions I had, the main question that popped in my head more than once was WHAT ARE WE DOING? I understand a man with a “busy” schedule HELL, i have one too but you're too busy to be exclusive YET you have time for FWB and dating more than one woman??! I. CALL. BULLSHIT. So I'm expected to be put on the back burner for not only your job (i understand that) but your serial dating habits? Is that the new dating scene? Us as women who want exclusivity are expected to be ok with his wants and needs and put ours on hold? I did this all in my 20’s and 30-something me are all out of fucks.
It seems like when I was in grade school I had everything figured out for my future. I had a career in mind, purchase my first condo by 25 and live it up like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex in the City. Well, as a millenial i can attest that in the digital age dating fucking sucks. I will say that there are a few scenarios in real life that are very similar to Sex in the City, in fact i can relate to Sex and the City now in my thirties than 15 years ago. Typically dating intels : meet a great guy, you go on a few dates, you guys have amazing sex then, HE GHOSTS you (vanishes).This has happened to me literally more times than I can could count.
I know I was naive in my twenties, and took everyones word at face value. Maybe its because im from a small town and didnt have "big city" thick skin, but I use to find myself genuinely being hurt and haunted by men who I thought were perfect who Ghosted me.In 2019 if you want to find people to date you use online dating sites, and just like 2010, ghosting still occurs. I, myself have used Plenty of Fish, OKcupid, and Coffee Meets Bagel. I've observed that dating online is similar to fishing with a shitty hook. You cast your line, catch a good lookin fish and just when you think you can reel him in to take him home, he slips away and you're left thinking that you don't know what the hell you're doing or second guessing yourself. You have so many questions, and sometimes you feel pissed cause that fish had so much potential. So you try again maybe even attempt to change it up and use bait this time cast your line once more.
Although I still get ghosted, unlike twentysomething-Lisa thirtysomething-Lisa has thicker skin. I no longer second guess myself. I have come to a realization that no matter how great our dates were, no matter how fantastic our conversations were, and no matter how great the sex is, it’s not me. OR maybe it is me, maybe it's not BUT seeing how they ghosted me, I'm not a mind reader I hold no blame in our short-lived relationship.