I can't even think about past relationships without remembering my ex, Russell the Infant. He was a colorful character with plenty of great qualities too. Great looking, clinically clean, chef-boy-are-you-serious skills in the kitchen. But with great skill came mad entitlements and when this gentleman didn't get his way….
Can’t have a future without acknowledging your past. So because of my past issues with sexual abuse, I became robotic when intimate. Sex had not been pleasing for me…. So when I became intimate with Russell, I located my autopilot button. He tried pleasing me but he didn't listen to my needs. His impatience appeared at the time which discouraged me from truly opening up.
But once I started putting stock into my own worth, things got better for me but worse with Russell. I had also started working shift work and began to cancel on him often. I didn't have the time for Russell anymore, but I didn't want to let him down. Some cancellations came with some verbal abuse involving name-calling and threatening of infidelity on his part. I rarely responded because I feared it would provide fuel to the fire. At times I was afraid to voice my concerns about anything with him. I even drank the Kool Aid enough to believe he was justified and wanted to be with me so bad it made him crazy….
So when he said sorry, I also said sorry too and forgave him. I thought by forgiving him, I was teaching him a lesson. I was wrong. He continued this behavior as long as I allowed him to. So unless he was an infant, I wasn't changing him.
35 year old single artist in the city experiencing her ups and downs in dating. Megan is a passionate Writer and entrepreneur that charts her own path, leads her life driving the course of history.